So being that it’s a slow news week, and all, we decided it would be great to call up our ol’ buddy Craig MacTavish and ask him a few questions. However, since we’re not really buddies with MacTavish, we made up what we think is a reasonable facsimile of the interview, as it would have taken place.
POTF: Hi Craig, thanks for agreeing to this interview, we know how busy you are, and all.
MacT: Yah, well you probably could have waited until I was out of the washroom…
POTF: I’ve been watching you take a crap behind the bench for 8 years; I’m used to it. Soooooo anyways… how’s the whole job hunting thing coming?
MacT: Well, to be honest with you, I’ve enjoyed the time off. I’m not really looking for anything at this time.
POTF: Have you had any offers from other teams around the league?
MacT: Most teams weren’t in need of coaching help at this time. I’m enjoying the time off, and not really concerning myself with looking, anyways.
POTF: I noticed Charlie Huddy got a job with the Stars the other day. That didn’t take long at all. I mean, shit, even that unhireable asshole Peeters got picked up pretty quick…
MacT: LOOK! I’m sick of you guys asking about this! What more can I say about either of them? So what if Huddy looks like John Malkovich¹. He owes me his career. As for Peeters, he’s a hack! When we brought him in to the coaching staff, we thought that would be the starting point… it turned out that it was really the fin…
And now here are my 10 favorite real quotes from the eloquent master of the interview, himself.
Top 10 Craig MacTavish quotes:
10. “The perfect guest again. I wondered why they were going to pick us to retire Al MacInnis’ jersey.” (after losing 2-1 to the Blues on Al MacInnis’ jersey retirement night)
9. “I said to the players today that Carolina is a little bit like carbon monoxide poisoning; you don’t really sense it, you don’t really sense the fear, but it’s lethal.”
8. “I laugh at coach’s interviews between periods because how many different and creative ways can you put pucks and bodies to the net? ‘We want to get traffic to the net,’ ‘We want to get in front of the goaltender.’”
7. “Colin Campbell and Mike Murphy, they have got a lot of experience and they have got a lot of savvy and I think they do a good job separating the legitimate complaints from the illegitimate complaints. They maybe don’t do quite as good a job with our team because we’re one of the few teams or maybe the only team that only has legitimate complaints.”
6. “Will I be wishing we’d played Dallas again? I’ll let you know in 10 days.”
5. “There are times when you can see Gary Bettman’s name on the puck.” (on Ryan Smyth’s league-feared howitzer)
4. “He treats turnovers like donuts and ordered a dozen early.” (on Ales Hemsky)
3. “I was surprised by how easy it came out. It was one of those tear-away tongues. Kevin Lowe said I should have tucked it into the breast pocket of my jacket. Like an ascot.” (after yanking out Harvey the Hound’s tongue)
2. “We all know he can be very dangerous at both ends of the ice.” (on Igor Ulanov’s two-goal night)
1. “He reminds me of the wizard of Oz, where you comb his hair, put on a white shirt on and wheel him out in front of the camera and he’s gonna say whatever you guys want…clearly it’s a crusade of self promotion on his part at this point…you know, what goes around comes around in this league.” (on Blow-hard Burke)
With quotes like those, I’m hoping to see/hear more of MacTavish in the future. Ultimately, being a Sportsnet announcer for Oilers games would make me quite giddy.
¹ – credit to OntOilFan on HFBoards for noting the resemblance.